Mayfly: Chapter 4
Jul. 7th, 2007 04:01 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
iceminkTitle: Mayfly
Pairing: Spike/Buffy
Rating: R
Summary: Season 7 after Get it Done. When Spike is caught in a demon spell, he has to figure out if he can be any help to Buffy anymore.
Warnings: There probably should be some, but they'll spoil the story for you, so you're just going to have to trust me and read.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, which is maybe good, because I may be meaner to them than Joss in this story.
Chapter 4:
Spike was torn between wanting to get as much distance between himself and Buffy, and wanting to hold her hand. He really wanted to hold her hand. It was silly, but he'd wanted that sort of thing all the previous year when they'd been doing it like rabbits. Just the smallest public display of affection would have made his unlife complete.
But he thought if he held her hand, she might kiss him. And if she kissed him. . . who knows what might happen. Spike knew just how weak he was, how easy it would be for him to give into the temptation of the Slayer's lips and her soft smooth skin.
He just wished he knew what had gotten into her. He no longer had a vampire's sense of smell that would tell him if she was horny, but she certainly seemed to be sending out all sorts of other signals. Which Spike couldn't understand for the life of him.
In his experience, having a pulse had never attracted women, especially this woman. It wasn't real. He knew that. She didn't really want him.
No, he had it all figured out. It had been a while since the Slayer had had anyone in her bed, which hadn't mattered as long as she knew good old Spike was just waiting to jump her bones. Now she was faced with the possibility that her sure thing would be gone and she wanted to get one good last fuck in. Or it was just pity. Either way, Spike wasn't going to oblige her.
There was after all a fate worse than death looming over him. It wasn't being human. He still hadn't figured out what he thought about that. He didn't like it. Being human hadn't worked out well the first time, he didn't see why this time should be any different.
No, the fate that scared Spike was that he would get close to Buffy while she thought he might die, and then he wouldn't die. He would continue on, and she would put all the old walls back up, she would put all the distance between them again. Human or vampire, his heart couldn't take that. Not having Buffy was okay, he was resolved to that, but he couldn't lose her again.
And he knew that was what would happen if he survived this. That was simply Buffy, and he couldn't really blame her, especially now. He could see what this apocalypse was doing to her. He could see what burying young girls was doing to her. He just wished he could help. Wished there was some way he could share her burden. Any chance of that was gone now.
His thoughts were interrupted when he realized that Buffy was no longer walking beside him but had stopped several paces back.
When he saw the look on her face he tensed, looking about for something that might leap out at them. He could be walking into a nest of vampires and not realize it. It wasn't likely out here, but the possibility sent shivers down his spine.
"Something wrong?" he asked, worriedly.
She walked quickly up to him and poked him in the chest with one finger.
"Ow?" he said. "What was that for?"
"I was just checking that you weren't The First. Why are we here?" she asked suspiciously.
"What's the matter?" He looked around the bluff on which they stood and still seeing no sign of anything dangerous or otherworldly.
"Why?" she demanded.
"It's a nice view is all. We were going to watch the sun come up, remember?"
It was still early he knew, but he couldn't take more dancing with her at the Bronze. In retrospect, maybe taking her to an isolated moonlit spot hadn't been the best idea, but he hadn't even thought of that. That's when it hit him.
"Look, pe. . . Buffy, I didn't mean. . . That is, I wasn't going to try. . . I swear, I'm not trying to seduce you or force you or-" he was cut off by her laughter. He was also a little hurt by it.
"Oh, no. Spike I didn't think you were up to anything like that. It's just. . . I've been here before." He looked at her questioningly. "With Angel."
"Right, that's it. We're leaving."
She laughed. "You're not going to even ask what happened?"
"Don't really need to hear the details of you two snogging in the moonlight."
"We didn't snogg. Why is everything about sex with you?"
"ME?! I'm not the one who was giving lap dances earlier."
"That was not a lap dance. Oh! And see. Reading something sexual into a little dance. You're like one big pen-" she stopped blushing.
He smiled, momentarily forgetting all his troubles as he and Buffy fell back into their old banter. It felt good. As long as they could keep it up, everything would be okay.
He hooked his thumbs through his belt loops and splayed his fingers as he jutted out his hips. All to bring attention to the part of his body she had nearly mentioned.
"I have a big what?" he teased her.
"Didn't say 'have'. Said 'are'," she quibbled.
"Maybe, but that's not what you were thinking," he said moving in on her.
He froze, suddenly realizing what he was doing. He was flirting with Buffy. Terror shot through him. This could lead nowhere good.
"So, um. Angel. Yeah what happened?" he asked, hoping that talking about Angel would piss him off enough that he wouldn't feel like flirting.
"It was The First. Actually, the first time I faced The First. It tried to get Angel to kill himself. This is where Angel came to wait for the sun to rise."
"And you told him how much you loved him, and talked him down," Spike finished for her.
"No. I didn't," she said softly. "He wouldn't. . . he wouldn't listen to me."
In the moonlight Spike could see the tears glistening in her eyes. He hated it. He hated that Angel could still hurt her like this after so much time. He was also a little jealous, and that made him hate himself more, something that still amazed him. It seemed like he should have run out of hate and self-loathing long ago, but there always seemed to be more.
"He wanted to die more than he wanted. . ." Buffy stopped. "Wow. It's worse than I thought." He looked at her questioningly. "I don't just make guys leave town, I make them want to die."
"Buffy-" Spike started to protest.
"No," she interrupted him firmly, determined to make her point. "Angel, Riley and his biting faze, and how many times have you asked me to kill you recently?"
He looked sheepish for just a moment before he really thought about what she was saying.
"Hold on a moment," he objected. "You really are something, you know. I mean how full of yourself can you be?" She looked at him, angry and startled. "Yeah, okay, maybe I haven't been about self preservation recently, but believe it or not, that has nothing to do with you. You have no idea what goes on up here," he pointed to his skull. "No idea the pain or the nightmares. And those. . . I could live with those. But the thought that I might kill again. That some other mother might never see her little girl again because of me. . . That's what makes me want to die. If I killed again. If I hurt Dawn, or you, or. . ."
"I'm sorry," Buffy apologized.
She hugged him. For a moment Spike returned her embrace, then he pulled away as his body began to respond to the proximity of hers. What was wrong with him? It seemed like everything she did aroused him in this body. He couldn't remember being horny like this all the time when he was human the first time.
He almost laughed at himself. Of course he'd been this horny the last time. Only then he always felt deeply ashamed about it. As if there were something wrong with him for having such 'sinful' thoughts all the time. Most of the time he had been able to 'control' them. But then he would give in and lock himself in his room and masturbate and feel dirty about it for weeks afterward.
"So what happened anyway?" Spike asked her. "With Angel. How come he didn't burn up?"
"It snowed."
"No, really?"
"I'm serious. It was Christmas Eve and it snowed. Right as the sun was coming up these clouds rolled in, no direct sunlight, no vampire flambe. End of story."
Spike regarded her for a minute, trying to figure out what she thought it meant. Spike was sure it was just a freak coincidence. He refused to believe that there was some higher power looking out for Angel, because in Spike's mind, if Angel was somehow that important it must mean that he was meant for Buffy, and Spike couldn't accept that. Anyone but Angel. It wasn't just jealousy, although it was partly jealousy. It was the knowledge that Angel hurt and left everyone who ever loved him.
"If this place has to many bad memories, we can go somewhere else," he told her.
"No, it's okay. If you don't mind. Maybe. . . maybe it's kind of lucky here."
He nodded, and they sat down in the grass to talk, and wait for the sun to come up.
Pairing: Spike/Buffy
Rating: R
Summary: Season 7 after Get it Done. When Spike is caught in a demon spell, he has to figure out if he can be any help to Buffy anymore.
Warnings: There probably should be some, but they'll spoil the story for you, so you're just going to have to trust me and read.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, which is maybe good, because I may be meaner to them than Joss in this story.
Chapter 4:
Spike was torn between wanting to get as much distance between himself and Buffy, and wanting to hold her hand. He really wanted to hold her hand. It was silly, but he'd wanted that sort of thing all the previous year when they'd been doing it like rabbits. Just the smallest public display of affection would have made his unlife complete.
But he thought if he held her hand, she might kiss him. And if she kissed him. . . who knows what might happen. Spike knew just how weak he was, how easy it would be for him to give into the temptation of the Slayer's lips and her soft smooth skin.
He just wished he knew what had gotten into her. He no longer had a vampire's sense of smell that would tell him if she was horny, but she certainly seemed to be sending out all sorts of other signals. Which Spike couldn't understand for the life of him.
In his experience, having a pulse had never attracted women, especially this woman. It wasn't real. He knew that. She didn't really want him.
No, he had it all figured out. It had been a while since the Slayer had had anyone in her bed, which hadn't mattered as long as she knew good old Spike was just waiting to jump her bones. Now she was faced with the possibility that her sure thing would be gone and she wanted to get one good last fuck in. Or it was just pity. Either way, Spike wasn't going to oblige her.
There was after all a fate worse than death looming over him. It wasn't being human. He still hadn't figured out what he thought about that. He didn't like it. Being human hadn't worked out well the first time, he didn't see why this time should be any different.
No, the fate that scared Spike was that he would get close to Buffy while she thought he might die, and then he wouldn't die. He would continue on, and she would put all the old walls back up, she would put all the distance between them again. Human or vampire, his heart couldn't take that. Not having Buffy was okay, he was resolved to that, but he couldn't lose her again.
And he knew that was what would happen if he survived this. That was simply Buffy, and he couldn't really blame her, especially now. He could see what this apocalypse was doing to her. He could see what burying young girls was doing to her. He just wished he could help. Wished there was some way he could share her burden. Any chance of that was gone now.
His thoughts were interrupted when he realized that Buffy was no longer walking beside him but had stopped several paces back.
When he saw the look on her face he tensed, looking about for something that might leap out at them. He could be walking into a nest of vampires and not realize it. It wasn't likely out here, but the possibility sent shivers down his spine.
"Something wrong?" he asked, worriedly.
She walked quickly up to him and poked him in the chest with one finger.
"Ow?" he said. "What was that for?"
"I was just checking that you weren't The First. Why are we here?" she asked suspiciously.
"What's the matter?" He looked around the bluff on which they stood and still seeing no sign of anything dangerous or otherworldly.
"Why?" she demanded.
"It's a nice view is all. We were going to watch the sun come up, remember?"
It was still early he knew, but he couldn't take more dancing with her at the Bronze. In retrospect, maybe taking her to an isolated moonlit spot hadn't been the best idea, but he hadn't even thought of that. That's when it hit him.
"Look, pe. . . Buffy, I didn't mean. . . That is, I wasn't going to try. . . I swear, I'm not trying to seduce you or force you or-" he was cut off by her laughter. He was also a little hurt by it.
"Oh, no. Spike I didn't think you were up to anything like that. It's just. . . I've been here before." He looked at her questioningly. "With Angel."
"Right, that's it. We're leaving."
She laughed. "You're not going to even ask what happened?"
"Don't really need to hear the details of you two snogging in the moonlight."
"We didn't snogg. Why is everything about sex with you?"
"ME?! I'm not the one who was giving lap dances earlier."
"That was not a lap dance. Oh! And see. Reading something sexual into a little dance. You're like one big pen-" she stopped blushing.
He smiled, momentarily forgetting all his troubles as he and Buffy fell back into their old banter. It felt good. As long as they could keep it up, everything would be okay.
He hooked his thumbs through his belt loops and splayed his fingers as he jutted out his hips. All to bring attention to the part of his body she had nearly mentioned.
"I have a big what?" he teased her.
"Didn't say 'have'. Said 'are'," she quibbled.
"Maybe, but that's not what you were thinking," he said moving in on her.
He froze, suddenly realizing what he was doing. He was flirting with Buffy. Terror shot through him. This could lead nowhere good.
"So, um. Angel. Yeah what happened?" he asked, hoping that talking about Angel would piss him off enough that he wouldn't feel like flirting.
"It was The First. Actually, the first time I faced The First. It tried to get Angel to kill himself. This is where Angel came to wait for the sun to rise."
"And you told him how much you loved him, and talked him down," Spike finished for her.
"No. I didn't," she said softly. "He wouldn't. . . he wouldn't listen to me."
In the moonlight Spike could see the tears glistening in her eyes. He hated it. He hated that Angel could still hurt her like this after so much time. He was also a little jealous, and that made him hate himself more, something that still amazed him. It seemed like he should have run out of hate and self-loathing long ago, but there always seemed to be more.
"He wanted to die more than he wanted. . ." Buffy stopped. "Wow. It's worse than I thought." He looked at her questioningly. "I don't just make guys leave town, I make them want to die."
"Buffy-" Spike started to protest.
"No," she interrupted him firmly, determined to make her point. "Angel, Riley and his biting faze, and how many times have you asked me to kill you recently?"
He looked sheepish for just a moment before he really thought about what she was saying.
"Hold on a moment," he objected. "You really are something, you know. I mean how full of yourself can you be?" She looked at him, angry and startled. "Yeah, okay, maybe I haven't been about self preservation recently, but believe it or not, that has nothing to do with you. You have no idea what goes on up here," he pointed to his skull. "No idea the pain or the nightmares. And those. . . I could live with those. But the thought that I might kill again. That some other mother might never see her little girl again because of me. . . That's what makes me want to die. If I killed again. If I hurt Dawn, or you, or. . ."
"I'm sorry," Buffy apologized.
She hugged him. For a moment Spike returned her embrace, then he pulled away as his body began to respond to the proximity of hers. What was wrong with him? It seemed like everything she did aroused him in this body. He couldn't remember being horny like this all the time when he was human the first time.
He almost laughed at himself. Of course he'd been this horny the last time. Only then he always felt deeply ashamed about it. As if there were something wrong with him for having such 'sinful' thoughts all the time. Most of the time he had been able to 'control' them. But then he would give in and lock himself in his room and masturbate and feel dirty about it for weeks afterward.
"So what happened anyway?" Spike asked her. "With Angel. How come he didn't burn up?"
"It snowed."
"No, really?"
"I'm serious. It was Christmas Eve and it snowed. Right as the sun was coming up these clouds rolled in, no direct sunlight, no vampire flambe. End of story."
Spike regarded her for a minute, trying to figure out what she thought it meant. Spike was sure it was just a freak coincidence. He refused to believe that there was some higher power looking out for Angel, because in Spike's mind, if Angel was somehow that important it must mean that he was meant for Buffy, and Spike couldn't accept that. Anyone but Angel. It wasn't just jealousy, although it was partly jealousy. It was the knowledge that Angel hurt and left everyone who ever loved him.
"If this place has to many bad memories, we can go somewhere else," he told her.
"No, it's okay. If you don't mind. Maybe. . . maybe it's kind of lucky here."
He nodded, and they sat down in the grass to talk, and wait for the sun to come up.
